i know i promised in my last blog that my next one (so, this current one) wouldn't be all about me and my life but i'm breaking that promise don't hate me.
this one will be hard to write. i'm in west end (dining hall at vt) writing and i might get weird looks because i might start crying but maybe not. we'll see. i'll keep you posted.
when i found out i got into tech, i was excited. i was also a little bit sad because i had also found out that i was straight up denied by uva (not even wait listed like geeze sorry i suck). i really wanted to go to uva because it was way closer to home, it had an undergrad education program, and my favorite human was there too. i only knew of one other girl in my group of friends that was considering going to tech so i texted her and she got in too! she was waiting to hear from uva and would base her decision off of that. i woke up to a text the next morning of her telling me she didn't get into uva and we decided then and there we would be roomies. we were both shy and nervous and didn't really want to leave home but knew we needed to. fast forward a couple of months on move in day. i remember opening the doors to west egg, walking up the stairs, and down the hallway to my room. i had knots in my stomach and i was suppressing an enormous amount of tears. walking down the hallway i began to look around and i. wanted. to. run. i wanted to turn around to my parents and say lets go back home i don't want to be here please please please don't leave me here. i didn't do that though. i sucked it up and held it together and put on a smile and faked excitement. when i walked my parents and sister out to their car i knew no amount of strength i had or clenching my teeth or singing rap song lyrics in my head would stop the crying (singing is a great distraction from sadness, just a tip.) i cried. they cried. i looked like a lunatic. i shut the door and caitlyn and i exchanged pitiful looks and we hear a knock on the door. i was thinking OH MOM YOU CAME BACK FOR ME YOU KNEW I WANTED TO LEAVE!! but, it was a lady handing out free bagels. i was so sad i denied the bagels (wow i'll never deny bagels again in my whole life) and shut the door. that night, cait and i watched a cinderella story. we felt helpless. we cried. caitlyn ate strawberries and nutella.
fast forward a couple months on monday nights at bible study. this changed everything for me. we drank hot chocolate and apple cider while eating big cookie and sharing about our lives. we were honest, we cried, we laughed, we skipped bible study (oops, that was me), we formed bonds, and we became best friends. this is what made college easier. we deepened our relationships with each other and with jesus. we held each other accountable. we talked about boys. some of these girls would end up being my roommates later on.
fast forward to two nights ago. i still live with cait, but we picked up some pretty grool people along the way. so now, its me, cait, meredith, logan, and megan. we all ended up in meredith's room that night and were just being silly. we laughed, told stories, laughed some more, added things to our snap chat story and punched each other (oh wait..no..that was just caitlyn when she punched me). i was sitting on the floor at one point we were talking about "next year" and how excited we all were. i was overwhelmed with fear and sadness thinking about how this might not be my reality next year. i had tears in my eyes, ready to roll down my face, but rap music came to the rescue again. so my roomies don't know that i almost broke down and cried to them and that i came close to losing my sanity for a short time.
wow, just realized some of you might be thinking: why won't she be here next year? is she dying? the answer is no, i'm not dying and i'm not sick. i'm graduating a year early so technically it's my senior year. it's been hitting me lately that i will be a 20 year old college graduate and that freaks me out. am i rushing growing up? am i not my parents' little girl anymore? what am i going to do next year?
my plan is to attend virginia tech for grad school, getting my masters in elementary education. the application is due in a month and i am freaking out. i want this so bad, and i'm really not sure i'll get in.
i have been dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions lately. i want to graduate early, but i don't want to grow up. i want to get into grad school here so bad, but i want to go home next summer and live with my family. i want to start my life and be a grown up, but i'm not ready for that at all. i want to eat bagels for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but i want to be healthy--do ya'll see my dilemma?
basically, the point of this blog was for me to put into words how thankful i am for my time in blacksburg. this place has welcomed me, and made me fall in love when i didn't want to be here. most of all, i love the people here. thinking about leaving my roomies and the friends i have made here makes me get that same feeling i got when my parents dropped me off. for the first time in my life i feel like i have found friends that don't make me feel the need to always be my best and funniest self. just being myself is good enough for them. i'm scared of not finding that anywhere else. i know that's irrational thinking, but i can't help it. i love these people. i love this place. i'm not ready to leave quite yet. no matter what i find out in the next couple of months in regards to where i will be next year, i will always remember blacksburg as the place that made me grow in my relationship with the lord, the place that provided me with the greatest group of girls i could imagine, the place that showed me everything i am capable of.
