remember this moment.

finals week has officially arrived for us hokies. a lot of other schools are already done or are in the middle of finals week. compared to most of my friends, my week really isn't that bad. 5 online tests and only one in the classroom? i can totally deal. even though my finals week schedule is easier than most, it is still a week that i don't look forward to. so much of my grade is riding on these exams, and there is nothing else i can do to improve my grade after this. and that is intimidating. we have been accustomed to dreading finals because of social media and what older people tell us. but i don't think it has to be all bad. yes, i want this week to be over so i can be home with my family and celebrate the holidays without any homework or grades to worry about. but...i think we are becoming so focused on the future that we neglect to embrace the present. yes, i know you have to ace this final, so you can have an a in the class, so you can get in to grad school, so you can get a job. (i know this is cliche) but when you look back on your life, you're not going to remember what grade you got on your organic chemistry test. so take a second to look around and enjoy the time you have with the people you are with! that is so crucial to do. there are too many ways we can tune out from the world, don't let finals be one of those ways.

1. you will never be living with 4 of your best friends again. so take an hour from studying to be silly and laugh with each other. enjoy this moment because it is fleeting. remind yourself that you won't remember your organic chemistry grade. you will remember late night snuggles with your roommates. you will remember being so tired that everything is hilarious. you will remember bonding over your hatred of this week.

2. you will never have this much freedom again. my parents haven't been able to just take a break from being a parent in 24 years. my friends who have graduated have full time jobs and are tied down by that. so screw finals, and just take a break. go to starbucks for an hour. indulge in an episode of netflix. take a nap. do whatever you want because you can, and enjoy it.

finals week is brutal. but try to enjoy it. these are the moments you will wish for again. i never thought i would want to go back to high school (and i don't really want to), but i miss being surrounded by so many of my friends for so long. we are lucky to be able to afford to go to college. we are lucky to be stressing about finals. so, while you're hating your life during this week, don't forget to be thankful for awesome roommates, interesting classes, starbucks being open 24/7 during exams (yes, that is a thing!!!), and the freedom to do whatever you want with your time.

in my heart it's the five of us.

these past couple of weeks have been filled with laughter, anxiety, life lessons, and a lot of everything bagels. i haven't posted in a while because i haven't had anything that great to write about. i want this blog to be a place where i can be passionate, so i'm not going to write for the heck of it. not that it matters because i'm pretty sure only my family and a few others read this (by the way shout out to my grandma for printing out my blogs and showing them to my great grandma--i'm glad someone likes them). this week has been filled with small joys and i am so thankful for them. by "small joys" i mean anything from skyping ryan for this first time this semester to getting the last everything bagel at dunkin.  my favorite part about this week though happened tonight--all 5 of us roomies finally had a dinner together. we signed our lease about a year ago and things have changed so much, in the best way, since then. if you don't want to know all about my roomies, then you should just stop reading. because thats what the rest of this post will consist of. we went to el rod's and it was filled with delicious food, lots of laughter, and creepy hispanic waiters saying things we didn't understand. it was awesome. i don't tell you girls enough (or ever) how much you mean to me, so here it is!

here's to you and all that you are.

 i don't know if they feel this way, but i think each of them adds something totally different but completely necessary to the house and to the girls that live here. megan is the one i go to when i need advice. whether its advice about what to eat, or something more serious like spiritual advice, megan is always very wise and very thoughtful in her response. for example, last week i didn't know if i should go to uva for  just the night and spend a total of maybe 3 hours hanging out with ryan and she came back with something along the lines of "you are in a long distance relationship and sometimes you have to make sacrifices for love so i think you should go". so i went, and it ended up being something our relationship needed. meg, thank you for guiding me always. rebecca is always asking questions about everyone else's life because she honestly cares, not because she wants us to ask her the same question. i think that is something i struggle with and i am so glad i found that in a beautiful roomie and friend. although she is always buzzing in and out of the house to go study or do sorority stuff or go to meetings, she has never once neglected to ask how my day was. i think that caring about people so much that you allow them to be real about their lives day after day is a lost quality; "becky" (lol), never lose that because it is a wonderful quality to have. thank you for loving me so well. hannah is two things; she is the first one to make us laugh and the first one to send a group text scolding us for not doing the dishes. i have never met someone as weird and hilarious as her, and i mean that in the best way possible. i could be having the worst day and then be around her for 5 minutes or less and instantly i just feel better. she keeps our house running and is the supplier of water bottles. our house would be dirty, have no electricity, be laughter-less, and have to drink out of the faucet if it wasn't for you. han, thank you for the free laughter (and water) you have given our house and for ultimately inviting us to be our weirdest, truest selves around you. lastly, caitlyn. i don't even know where to begin with you, ya freaky. cait is my cinderella story watching buddy, my style guide, my always up for campus cookies and taco bell homegirl, and most of all my best friend. i would not have survived last year without you. like i literally think i would have quit school. we went from awkward freshman with no friends to still awkward sophomores with like 4 friends (woohoo, go us). we are past the point of just being roomies and are honestly like sisters now. we fight and love, just like sisters do. thank you for being my best friend. 

we are pretty much done with this semester and have one more to go for this year, and my heart is slowly starting to hurt thinking about all of us not living together next year. this first year really living on my own without any support from parents or the university is such an important one. you girls have allowed me to grow and feel safe and be loved. i can never thank you enough. i love you i love you i love you. 

i remember it all too well.

so i haven't posted in a while. i wasn't feeling drawn to write about anything specific so i just didnt write at all. a couple things i want to write about today.

first--how proud i am of ry. how someone excels at so many things is beyond me. not only does he juggle (and does an outstanding job in) school, soccer, and a social life, but he also never forgets that he is a boyfriend too. throw long distance into that mixture and thats a pretty hectic life for an almost 21 year old. i would like to say that i'm not high maintenance but i think i am a little. and thats okay, because its who i am. so ryan, thank you thank you thank you for accepting every weird thing about me (from my taylor swift obsession to my annoying voices), and keep doing your thing and shaking things up at "the" university of virginia (insert stale face here). i am more proud of you than i will ever have words for.

second--this will be really hard for me to do. it is the first time i am writing about my grandpa since he passed away in late july. my poppy and i had a special bond. he cheered, i cheered. he went to tech, i go to tech. he loved jesus, i saw what it looked like to love jesus and wanted that too. so he baptized me. i miss him a whole lot. while doing some homework tonight, a song came on pandora and immediately i had this ache in my stomach because it was the song i played over and over in my head when i knew it was his time to go. it made me miss my poppy but also made me excited for the life he has now.

and on that day when my strength is failing

the end draws near and my time has come

still my soul will sing your praise unending

ten thousand years and then forevermore

wow! some powerful stuff. the last time we had a conversation, i knew i had to say goodbye. that was the hardest thing i have ever had to do. i struggled with wanting closure and not wanting to admit to him that he was dying and we all knew it. we held hands and we cried as we talked about life and love. we both looked into each others tear filled eyes for the very last time. i kissed his forehead for about a minute, squeezed his hand, and left the room. that memory will never go away, because in the words of taylor swift, i remember it all too well. the last week or so he was unconscious. his strength was completely gone, and we all knew his time was so soon. i know for a fact that he was praising jesus until his very last moment. and thats what makes this all somewhat okay. seeing someone so strong and so smart just lying in a hospital bed as the family talks about how he inly has a couple days left is so heartbreaking. but i can rest in the fact that he is free of pain and can breathe now! the holidays will hurt without him, but it is a part of life and i cant selfishly sit here and wish he was back in the painful world when he is in paradise. since poppy has passed, he has had a hand in some really grool (great/cool lawlz) things in my life--one of the people reading this will know what i'm talking about. my most amazing poppy, i love you. i miss you. i know you are safe. 

so i know this post was kind of heavy, but i just had to write it down. i had to let it out because my heart was heavy with that memory. i don't even know if any of you will take the time to read about the loss of my grandpa, and thats okay. because this blog is for me, and if anyone reads it thats just kind of a bonus!

this was taken during our last convo.

bird poop.

based solely on the fact that today was a monday, i knew it would be one of those days. it started off promising, in the middle of the night. i was woken up suddenly by excruciating pain in my eyeball. crap, i've been sleeping with my eyes open again (i do this thing where i don't close my eyes when i sleep and sometimes it dries my eyes out so much that my eyelid catches on my eyeball and it really hurts). with my hand over my one eye, tears uncontrollably pour down one side of my face. half asleep, i'm stumbling around my room looking for my phone. couldn't find it. why i needed it, i don't know. but at 5 in the morning it seemed crucial to have my phone. so naturally i go to turn on the light. power's out. this is where i start panicking. i need to get my eyedrops and a cold washcloth to make the pain stop, but i'm too scared to go out in the hallway. miraculously, the power turns back on right before i start crying and feeling bad for myself (this seemed like a life or death situation when i was half asleep. i realize its literally not a big deal). i rush to the bathroom and get everything i need. as soon as i lay my head back down, power is out again. so, i stayed awake for the next hour texting one of my roomies about how scary this was and wondering if someone was plotting to kill us (meg and han, i had a fork next to my bed if someone were to attack, so i would've saved us, don't worry!) basically, my monday was off to a great start with not a lot of sleep and a sore eye the next morning. fast forward to when i actually woke up. look out the window to find out its raining. at this point i'm really feeling bad for myself, listing all of the things that were going wrong in my head. a rainy monday. those really are the worst kind of days. fast forward to about an hour ago when i decided to go on a run. wasn't even out of my townhouse complex when plop, a bird pooped on me. don't get me wrong, i would much rather a bird poop on me than fly near me but come on! so now i'm here. and in the middle of starting this post, a spider peeks out from behind my dresser and as i contemplate killing it or not (it really makes me sad, even if it is a spider), it went back into hiding. so now there is a big black spider crawling somewhere around my tiny room. despite all these funny mishaps, today was a really great day. i've been trying to focus on the positives of every day and every moment. yes, our power kept going out and it terrified me (i get scared easily), but i can afford power and a nice comfortable bed. yes, i have to wake up and ride the stinky bus and go to class and that really isn't fun sometimes. but some people cant afford to go college. i can, and i have to appreciate it. yes, a freaking bird pooped on me while i was running, but i can run. someone very special to me didn't have the luxury of running and working out because he physically couldn't. so i shouldn't be allowed to take it for granted.

i'm alive, in more than just one way. my body and spirit are alive. i have the most amazing friends here at tech and the most amazing friends at home. i have the funniest, most sincere family to exist. i'm dating my best and truest friend. i'm saved day after day by His grace. at the end of the day, i really don't have anything to complain about.

so, my friends. the point of this post wasn't to talk about how i have really dry eyes and i'm a freak because i sleep with my eyes open. the point of this was to remind you and myself to find the good in every day and in every thing. if we don't look at the good and obsess over the bad, this world will destroy us. if you read this, promise yourself one thing: cling to what is good. cling to it and don't forget about it. this world is swarming with bad. cling to what is good because bad is guaranteed. this world is tough. but it doesn't always have to be.

chips and salsa.

here i am on a tuesday afternoon, all ready to give up on this week completely. nothing horrible happened, but i am just kind of over living in a society where selfishness is the norm and being kind to strangers is a foreign concept. the first reason that i am soooo over this tuesday starts while waiting for my order to be ready at dunkin donuts, after witnessing a rude customer freak out on the poor employee who misread her sausage egg and cheese for just egg and cheese, i realized that people are lost. (not everyone, but a lot of strangers. a whole lot). people are so absorbed in their own lives that they forget to smile at strangers. they forget to be patient with someone for misreading their order. they forget to hold the door for someone literally right behind them.  is it really that hard to be kind to strangers? i struggle with this all the time. for example, the last time i went to kings dominion. it was so hot and i was so tired of walking around (if you know me at all you know i really just dont like walking), and we were in line for that one silly ride its called like the italian job or something. its one of those rides that is in between--its not for kids but its not a totally huge intimidating roller coaster. anyways, i remember the guy working told us to not walk forward yet, and to wait until he told us so. this girl and her friend behind us didnt hear that and they kept huffing and puffing and finally they rallied like the whole line to walk past us. they didn't get far. i turned into a raging mean girl. i freaked out. rolled my eyes. so there we were. everyone moved back behind us and i just stood there drenched in sweat, rage, and shame all at the same time. i was mad because these girls assumed i wasnt doing roller coasters right, that i didnt know how kings dominion worked. i'm the queen of amusement parks, i know how they work. i couldnt let them think that about me. looking back, i realize it was such a silly thing to get sooooo mad over. i feel bad for being so mean JUST  because 2 girls wanted to cut in line essentially. but its not okay to talk to people like that. it never was okay and it never will be okay. i should have shown them grace and just let them think i was ignorant when it came to roller coasters. thats okay. the person i was with (the same person who inspired this blog) seems to always keep this in mind. i have never once in the 3 years i have known this mystery person seen his/her mean side to a stranger. so, be kind to strangers. because anything else is just unacceptable, regardless of the circumstances (yes, even when people cut in line at kings dominion on a hot day). be especially kind to people who are serving you. i'm talking the cashier at McDonalds, the server at the finest restaurant in town, and the guy putting together sandwiches at dunkin donuts. my second reason for being sooo over this tuesday is because what is going on with our government right now scares me. it scares me that a group of grown ups can't  decide together what is best for a country. i dont know. i guess i just don't understand how intelligent elected officials can't compromise. that's all i will say about that.

so basically, i'm ready for wednesday to come. i'm ready to wake up hopeful that strangers will be kind. and hopeful that compromise will happen soon. but for now, i'm enjoying the rest of my tuesday. i'm enjoying the awkward bus rides. enjoying almost getting run over by a bicyclist twice. i'm enjoying the repetitive busy work. but most of all, i'm enjoying my afternoon snack. because sometimes you literally just need chips and salsa. so here i am. munching and blogging. i dont even know where this blog is headed or what its about. but those are my thoughts on today, and i really just needed people to hear them. WHAT DOES THIS WORLD NEED? happy people! SO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? be happy!

p.s, dont worry i will not be posting every day.

here i am world.

a couple of days ago one of my favorite people posed a question to me that really got me thinking. this person really has a way of being boldly honest with me and i believe Jesus uses this person to show me what my heart truly wants and deserves. the question was this: what are your passions? immediately i was like oh well i'm really passionate about being a taylor swift fan, duh. in my head i knew that wasn't a real passion. so i began frantically searching my mind to find a passion that i could call my own. cheerleading? well yes, but that can't be a passion in my life right now. cooking and baking? i hope it's a passion one day because i want to be domestic and everything but its not in my best interest financially right now. kids? yes, but thats not tangible. that whole day and a couple days after i felt lost. i felt confused. how can i be so in love with so many things but none of them are my one and only passion? i love glitter and sparkles and puppies and love and children and cookies and happy things but those things can't be my passion. and then it came to me. i love writing. not writing in the essay kind of way but writing in the i'm going to send you a long text to make you feel loved kind of way. writing is so much easier for me than talking is. i studder and get nervous and its just hard to speak sometimes. so now we are here. i am writing and starting this blog, not even sure if anyone but my mom will ever read it (hey mom!). but i dont care. i'm going to write. i'm going to be real. and i'm going to have so much fun. i have always wanted to blog but i never thought i had anything worthy to write about. i always just assumed i would start one when i had kids. but i am going to start now. this blog is going to be a place where i can write about jesus, my friends, my school, my family, and i can still make jokes along the way. here goes nothing. just a 19 year old girl writing about her feelings (original, i know). i hope you (whoever you are) enjoys reading these as much as i enjoy writing them. this is all i will write about for now, since the only eventful thing happening in my life right now is that i have a blister on my foot that wont go away.