How will they remember me?

Today is December 8th, 2016. Wait, I think. Yes it is. I just checked my phone to make sure. I've officially been a teacher for 3 months and 2 days. It feels like it's only been a day and also an eternity all at the same time. As a teacher, you learn a lot more than you teach (in my opinion, at least). Here are some of those things:

1. Do NOT, under any circumstances, leave your tervis tumbler with a straw on your desk unattended. Because chances are student sneak over to your desk to play with the straw all in their hands while you are doing guided reading.

2. They will call you out for any physical "abnormalities." Bad hair day? called out. Breaking out a little due to stress? Called out. Wear a dress on a day that's a little chilly? Yep. Called out. Scar on your hand from a burn? Called out.

3. For every question you answer, there are five more in it's place. Fact.

4. You will repeat yourself 3 times and then ask a student to repeat it for you, and there will always be someone who comes up and asks you what to do. Literally no matter what you do.

5. The mess!!!!!! I can't even get into this one. They are literally so messy.

While I have learned a lot of funny lessons, the most important lesson I have learned (and hope to continue to learn for as long as I am a teacher, aka FOREVER) is that how you treat them matters infinitely more than what you teach them. Again, just my opinion (cue the meme from RHOC reunion where Tamra yells, "it's my opinion!"). They soak up everything I say and how I say it. They mimic my sayings, my expectations, and the way I treat their peers.

This is pretty self-explanatory and I think I knew this at the beginning of this year, but seeing it in action is so different. Of course I want them to succeed. And I believe they all can. But what I want more is for them to know they have a place Monday-Friday where they can come and be themselves and feel safe and loved and heard. 

This whole theme has been on my heart recently because I am reading a book called Looking for Lovely by Annie F. Downs. Each chapter has a theme on where you can find "lovely." One chapter was about music and the author revealed she taught elementary school for a few years. Every morning she would listen to a song called "Legacy" by Nichole Nordeman, and that this song reminded her of teaching. And of course, as a teacher and someone who loves making connections with other people, I had to listen to it. It has changed my mornings and my weeks and my outlook on teaching. I listen to it while I'm doing my hair in the morning (so I won't get called out for having crazy hair not on crazy hair day) and the lyrics echo in my head for the rest of the day, bringing me back to truth. The lyrics that play over and over in my head the most when I've been asked 306 questions in two minutes, when I've corrected a behavior countless times, when I need to pee but I can't leave these 19 little cuties in a room unsupervised are:

I want to leave a legacy

How will they remember me?

Did I choose to love?

Did I point to you enough

to make a mark on things?

When I want to cry or yell or just hide under my desk because they can get buck wild before a break and when the schedule isn't consistent, I hear these lyrics. Am I choosing to love or am I choosing to give in to frustrations?

I feel incredibly blessed to spend my days with these happy, silly, sarcastic, kind, and intelligent small humans. Everyday is new and this time is a gift. For me and for them. I don't want to waste it. I want to spend it loving them through my words and the way I treat them. Will they remember me as the scatterbrained Ms. J that forgot a lot of things and said silly stuff? Probably. But will they also remember me as Ms. J, the teacher that made them feel important and known? I hope so. 

Isaiah 55: 12-13 is grounded in truth and says,

"You will go out in joy

    and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and hills

    will burst into song before you,

and all the trees of the field

    will clap their hands.

13 

Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,"

In June, when I look back on this year, I pray to see junipers where thorn bushes might have grown. 

what if the miracle was even getting one moment with you?

From January to May I had the absolute pleasure of hanging out with 19 first graders at an elementary school in roanoke city. It was the most challenging and rewarding time in my whole life. I learned and grew and changed so much because of all of those kiddos, but one in particular. There is so much I wish I could have conveyed to him, but being just 6 years old I'm not sure he could have understood the depth of what I wanted to tell him. For the sake of confidentiality, we will call him Nick. By now, if you were in my carpool, one of my roommates, Ryan, or my family, you KNOW who I am talking about. My little buddy, my right hand man. I loved every child in that room more than I ever thought I could, but there was something about Nick that just changed my life. He is the best little guy I know. I am still coming to terms with the fact that I will never see him again, but he has made a mark in my heart forever. If I could keep up with him just to know he's okay and see where life takes him, I think it would make it easier. But I will have to settle for writing words to him that he will never see. However, I need to write these words and I'm not really sure why.

Dear Nick,
You are so special, and I wish you knew that. I don't know the innermost details of your home life or the workings of your heart, but I would bet you aren't told how special you are often and you probably don't feel special. I came into your classroom pretty happy and pretty lucky. My family is amazing, I have the best group of friends, I couldn't have dreamed up a better guy to marry, and I don't ever worry about where my next meal is coming from. I would even go so far as to say this was the happiest I have ever been in my life. Amdist all of the "good" in my life, however, I still think you saved me somehow. I don't know if it was because this was the most emotionally demanding semester of my life or the lack of sleep, but knowing you and spending my days with you made it worth it. It is almost midnight in the summer, and I just pray you are being cared for and loved at this very moment. Again, I don't know your home life. Your parents could be doing the very best they can and I'm just too egocentric to realize that. But I don't think that's the case. I noticed how your skin was so dry during the coldest weeks of the semester that it seemed like it could crack at any moment. I noticed how you would come in unexplainably sad and would refuse to talk. I noticed how you would shut down at any sign of disapproval. I just really wish I could explain to you how loved you are and how missed you are. I wish you knew that a 21 year old teacher who has a really great life thinks about how you're doing and prays for your well-being. I hope you know that you are fully known and fully loved. I miss your little braids and the gap in your teeth, and I especially miss the way you would come up to me one thousand times throughout the day to ask, "Is I been' good?" And every time I would answer with yes, Nick. and I couldn't help but smile and feel my heart break a little more each time. My last day with you I had my keys out on the table. I have a little cross keychain and you grabbed it, looked at your friend next to you and said, "she has God stuff." At that moment I wanted to hug you and sit you down and share the gospel with you. I wanted to say that your life here on Earth so far might be filled with sadness and hopelessness, but that there is more. I wanted to say that regardless of what the adults in your life tell you through actions or words, that you are deeply, deeply loved and cared for and thought of. You taught me more about grace and forgiveness than anyone I know, and you are only six. years. old. (!!!) Do you know how amazing that is?!Besides knowing that the God that created Taki's and plastic dinosaurs also created you and knows you and loves you, the ultimate thing I want you to know is that I fully believe you can change the world. You have the biggest heart and the most authentic laugh. Please share that with the world. Make the world a better place. Don't let the world take that away from you, one year at a time. I have prayed many nights that your light would not be extinguished by the things that happen to you in this world. I love love love love you!!!!

If any of you are reading this and aren't going in to the teaching profession, or any helping profession, you can still very much learn the same things I did and pray the same prayers I did. Whether it be your family members or your coworkers, this world is broken and it is all around us. I am lucky enough to hang out with kids before the brokenness truly sets in.

I'm sure I will have many more "Nick's" in my classes over the year. And that my heart will break, and also grow, a little bit more each time. But I don't think these kids have to be a product of their environments. I believe in a God that is bigger than that and will continue to pray for these sweet kids by name. My life will forever be changed because of this first grade class and my heart will always hold a spot for Nick.

There really isn't a point to this blog other than to write what I wish I could say to Nick. Because of him, I really got a glimpse into the world of teaching and why it is so emotionally draining. But in the end, there is nothing I would rather be doing and nothing that I am more fit to do. Tomorrow, please show strangers and coworkers and family members some kindness, just like my little friend Nick would do. Pay for someone's coffee, give someone a smile, genuinely ask how someone is doing. Just love people. And maybe we can contribute to making this world a place that deserves to have someone like Nick in it.

dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light.

I have been anticipating the writing of this post since my roommates and I all gathered in our living room to watch the memories of the last four years unfold in less than five minutes. It's taken me a while to actually sit down and write because I haven't fully been able to process how I'm feeling and what this means moving forward.

Goodbyes stink. They're awkward and unavoidable and not fun. In this day and age, goodbyes aren't as rigid as they once were, but they still sting just as much. I know I will see my roommates again, obviously (that was for you, mere)... but they won't be two steps away or a shout down the hallway.

I know enough to know that moving out and graduating from college isn't going to take away from all the joy that was felt in college. And I also don't believe it will drastically alter my friendships with those that I lived with (although, I know it does happen). My friendships will look and work different, yes, but these friendships are still real in very much present in my life.

I'm not sad in a ~wow I'm never going to get over this~ kind of way. More in like a nostalgic, reminiscent, I wish I could have paused it for just a moment kind of way. The friendships are still there and we will still see each other, but the things that filled and built our friendships are gone. Kitchen dance parties. Mega-bed. A Cinderella Story on the first day of the semester. Wondering who will buy the next dish soap. Hosting Friendsgiving. Hiding in each other's rooms to scare someone (@ Megan when I was under your covers). Tears shed over stress of grad school apps, o-chem, boys, and actually anything else because six girls were living in the same house (sorry Blacksburg). Late night runs to Sakura when it was snowing and it seemed crucial to go get it at that moment. One thousand packs of "Perdue perfect portion chicken" in the freezer because we all made chicken. Ironic name of our house (the knob) even though all of our knobs in the kitchen were missing, crooked, or would fall off. Pretending to be asleep when people walk in the door. Four wooden headboards. Five different alarms going off at seven in the morning. Getting attacked by stink bugs. Having seventeen (yes, we counted) bottles of laundry detergent in the laundry room for only six people. Being scared of house centipedes. Birds flying into our windows. Snakes found downstairs. Upstairs vs. downstairs girls.  More cups and mugs than I think people who can fit into Lane Stadium. Missing spoons (guilty). And more love and grace than I can hope to have again.

Living with five other girls wasn't easy. We definitely had our arguments and fair share of passive aggressive texts about dishes, but that was far outweighed by all the good. As I'm writing this, I'm sitting in my big bear that I got for Valentine's Day a couple years ago. I named him Olaf, and Megan LOVED Olaf. Sophomore year she would come into my room and cuddle up next to him and sing frozen songs. I'm sitting in my new room that actually has air condition, a fan, blinds, and a screen in the window. My clothes are all unpacked and hanging up, and they brought the smell of mildew and old house back with them. Not the best smell, but a smell that reminds me of Blacksburg and my very best friends. A comforting smell. When I unpacked today, I pulled out stockings from sophomore year that we made when we came back from Thanksgiving break right before finals. There were pictures, notes, and mementos sprawled out in my new room that reminded me of my old one. All these little things that make up my room will bring me back to a time where I grew into who I was meant to be and a time when my faith grew exponentially because of the people I surrounded myself with. Proverbs 27:17 says that, "as iron sharpens iron, so that one person sharpen another." I read that verse a hundred times before I actually experienced its depth.

I'm not sitting here crying because college is over and depressed over the fact that my time living with my best friends has passed and my next roommate, besides my family, will be Ryan (haaaayyy, you can do the dishes). Right now, I'm actually really happy to be home. My room is cozy and my dog is sleeping next to me, and I'm no longer in a long distance relationship. However, the sadness will hit me in waves. It first hit me when we were all squished in Megan's room talking until 4 in the morning about the last four years. It will hit me when it's August and I should be going back to school. It will hit me when the fans in Lane Stadium start jumping for the first time this football season. It will hit me when I see the girls who are living in our house next year instagram a roommate picture. And every time, I am sure I will text my roommates and tell them how much I miss living with them and doing everyday, simple life with them. But I know greater things are to come. We have engagements, marriages, more graduations, job acceptances, and many more things to be celebrated in the future. For now, I'm thankful to have been sharpened by the best people I know. Thanks for making me realize that Blacksburg is and always will be Home.

So it's gonna be forever.

As I sit here to write this, I am still in disbelief that I am ENGAGED!!! Ask any of my best friends and they will tell you that I was so sure this wouldn't happen until at the very least graduation, but probably after that. I can honestly say February 20, 2016 was the best day of my life for so many reasons. It's taking me a hot sec to write this because I keep getting distracted by the most beautiful ring I have ever seen (#omgIGotLaurenB). First off, thank you to anyone who was there, prayed for this, texted one of us, or even thought about us during this time. It means so much to have kind people in our lives. I've gotten a lot of questions about how he asked and it's not something I could sum up in a text or even in a conversation because I still haven't fully processed what happened because it was that unexpected.

So here is our engagement story, and my favorite story I've ever told. It's a good one.

A few weeks ago, I asked Ryan if he would be able to come visit for Valentine's day (it's one of my favorite holidays) and he told me he had to work because they had a President's day tournament that weekend at work and he had to be there. This was very typical of our whole relationship; he had prior commitments to soccer and couldn't make a trip or we couldn't hang out, so I didn't think anything of it. Instead, I watched Valentine's day and listened to love songs and ate chocolate and cried just a ~little~ because I was weirdly emotional last week. I also conveniently demanded we hang out the next weekend, as ry knew I would, and he went with it. I said we should meet halfway since that was fair, but he insisted we go to charlottesville. It's my favorite place, so I easily agreed.

The whole week leading up to our day date in Charlottesville, I was so excited. I remember telling people, "I just need to get through this week and then I can see Ryan and have sweet tea." Then Friday night rolled around and suddenly I had a thousand lessons to plan and hadn't slept very well and was just completely exhausted. I remember him calling me and responding in a very sassy way but he just rolled with that and continued to be sweet. Again, didn't throw me off because that is also very typical. I went to bed that night later than I wanted and remember being a little annoyed that he was making me wake up at 7:00 am on my only day to sleep in before the sun rises. But, I just went with it because he was planning a date and I didn't want to take advantage of that (because that is not normal--I am the date planner).

The next morning rolls around and I'm on the road when Ryan calls. He's telling me how excited he is to surprise me and I said, "Okay if you can plan a cute date like this in one night, you can plan a proposal fast too." And he disagreed, playing into the role of being an indecisive confusing guy. OK STOP. Background story: For the past 2 years ry and I pretty much knew we wanted to get married but we were both in school and long distance so we would just talk about it. Consistently, over the past two years, Ryan has convinced me that his plan was to get engaged when he was 24. So I was thinking it would happen next year. Okay, back to the story. I get to Charlottesville and Ryan is there with Bodo's waiting for me in the car to take me to humpback rock (one of our favorite hikes, ever)!

We got to the Blue Ridge Parkway and it was closed due to road conditions. I suggested we go sit down somewhere because I was tired, but Ryan insisted we go on a hike. We hiked the trails at Monticello for about 2 hours and I would say a good hour of that was me trying to get him to talk about his timeline, as far as when he saw an engagement or marriage happening. He kept laughing during this conversation and I didn't know why, but he was listening to me so I didn't make a big deal about it. I even said, "part of me was like hmmm maybe he'll propose today because he's planning this extravagant date but there's no way," to which he replied, "yeah it's just a nice date so don't get your hopes up." My hopes weren't up though, because again, I wasn't expecting it.

We then decided to go to UVA and just walk around. We picked up some dumplings and then parked near Ryan's dorm freshman year. We walked from his old dorm to the lawn, then the whispering wall, then back to his car. He talked about how 4.5 years ago we made this same walk and he was so nervous to ask me to be his girlfriend, so he waited until the next day.

We go to his friend's house to change and get ready for the "surprise" part of our date. He expected it would take me an hour to get ready, but it only took me 20 minutes (thank you student teaching in Roanoke City). To kill time, we decided to go to trader joes. Duh. I mean, what else would you do to kill time?

We left Trader Joes and were finally headed to the surprise. I love surprises, so I was excited. I thought maybe it was a hot air balloon ride or we were going to like an Indian Restaurant. I truly wasn't sure. He made me close my eyes when we were two minutes out so that I didn't see any signs. Once we got there, I opened my eyes to a parking lot and trees in front of me. He told me to turn around, and I knew exactly where we were... Pippin Hill! He was shocked I knew what it was. We got out of the car, after he told me not to bring anything with me and that we could come back and get it, and he suggested we walk through the vineyard. This was the first moment where I was like wait.... maybe...there's no way...stop it morgan, control yourself. We were walking through the vineyard and I looked around and there was no one around, no photographers, so I was like okay yeah you're definitely just overthinking it. Then, Ryan told me to look at the mountains. I was like... okay? I've seen them before, but sure, why not I'll look. I looked, and continued walking. Then, he said, "well which one is your favorite?" I decided he was planning a really sweet date, so I would just play along. I sat for a second and picked out my favorite one then was like okay let's keep moving. As we turned the corner of a line of trees, Ryan said, "well I have one more surprise for you..." And I turned and saw a lone tree with lanterns and pictures strung around it and a rug lying in front of it. My first thought was, "wow we are going to eat cheese on a rug by ourselves, that's so cute!" As we got closer, and I stepped on the rug, I faintly heard Today was a Fairytale playing in the background. That was the exact moment I knew he was proposing. It's the soundtrack to Valentine's Day, sung by my favorite artist, so I just knew. He turned me around and said the sweetest words to me I've ever heard, and the next thing I know, he's saying he doesn't want to go one more day without knowing I will be his wife (or something like that, to be honest I kind of blacked out at the shock and excitement), and he was on one knee. I was so excited and saying things like "Ryan if this is a joke it's really mean!" Then, I saw the ring. The most perfect thing I have ever seen! And the box said, "Lauren B" on it (which, if we have ever talked about engagement rings before... you know how much I love Lauren B.) and I was even more shocked. For the next two minutes, I made a series of shocked/excited faces saying, "I can't believe this... oh my gosh."

Next thing I know,  some of our best friends/amazing photographers and videographers are running out from behind the bushes. We stayed there for a while and took pictures, and reminisced on the times when I would joke that Ryan wasn't going to propose until I was like 40. I kept asking who knew, who I should call, where we were going, etc. No one would answer my questions, but they said I would find out soon.

On the way over to the next surprise, Ryan told me that 4.5 years ago, on August 20, 2011, he was planning on asking me to be his girlfriend at the whispering wall. He could;t find the whispering wall, however, so he took that as a sign to not ask me to be his girlfriend. When I was leaving the next morning, he said bye to me and shut my car door. Seconds later, he opened the door back up and asked me to be his girlfriend. Fast forward to Saturday, he told me he didn't want to make the same mistake of waiting an extra day when he knew its what he wanted.

An hour (and another episode of closing my eyes on a windy road) later, and Ryan is leading me out of the car to a mysterious place. My eyes are still closed and when he put his hands over my eyes, he told me I could ope my eyes. Obviously I still couldn't see anything. He counted down. 3, 2, 1. And then I felt the biggest rush of love and excitement I have ever experienced. I saw my family, my very best friends, Ryan's family, and Ryan's best friend. I wanted to hug everyone at once. I hugged my mom first and she started crying. I didn't cry until I hugged my brother because he was the first guy that meant something to me besides my dad, and because he was so happy for me. It wan't until 10 minutes in that I realized we were all in some house I had never seen before, so I said, "Wait...whose house is this?" And that's when I found out he rented it for two nights (my friends and family stayed there Friday night) and we were all staying there tonight. We would eat barbecue, make s'mores, and talk about all the times that I complained about not having a timeline from Ryan since my roommates knew in November. It was the best night of my life. I will never forget the way ryan's hands were shaking in the trader joes parking lot, hugging my parents after the proposal, and seeing the tears in my roommates eyes. Thank you to anyone who planned, crafted, prayed, or anything else in preparation for this day. It was more than anything I could ever think of. The amount of joy and laughter and love that was felt since that night is incomparable. I waited exactly 4.5 years for this moment, and it was worth everything for that moment.

I don't know details of the wedding quite yet, but I do know I am the luckiest girl in the whole world and that I have a great group of best friends to stand by my side the day I become Morgan Elizabeth Zinkhan.