what if the miracle was even getting one moment with you?

From January to May I had the absolute pleasure of hanging out with 19 first graders at an elementary school in roanoke city. It was the most challenging and rewarding time in my whole life. I learned and grew and changed so much because of all of those kiddos, but one in particular. There is so much I wish I could have conveyed to him, but being just 6 years old I'm not sure he could have understood the depth of what I wanted to tell him. For the sake of confidentiality, we will call him Nick. By now, if you were in my carpool, one of my roommates, Ryan, or my family, you KNOW who I am talking about. My little buddy, my right hand man. I loved every child in that room more than I ever thought I could, but there was something about Nick that just changed my life. He is the best little guy I know. I am still coming to terms with the fact that I will never see him again, but he has made a mark in my heart forever. If I could keep up with him just to know he's okay and see where life takes him, I think it would make it easier. But I will have to settle for writing words to him that he will never see. However, I need to write these words and I'm not really sure why.

Dear Nick,
You are so special, and I wish you knew that. I don't know the innermost details of your home life or the workings of your heart, but I would bet you aren't told how special you are often and you probably don't feel special. I came into your classroom pretty happy and pretty lucky. My family is amazing, I have the best group of friends, I couldn't have dreamed up a better guy to marry, and I don't ever worry about where my next meal is coming from. I would even go so far as to say this was the happiest I have ever been in my life. Amdist all of the "good" in my life, however, I still think you saved me somehow. I don't know if it was because this was the most emotionally demanding semester of my life or the lack of sleep, but knowing you and spending my days with you made it worth it. It is almost midnight in the summer, and I just pray you are being cared for and loved at this very moment. Again, I don't know your home life. Your parents could be doing the very best they can and I'm just too egocentric to realize that. But I don't think that's the case. I noticed how your skin was so dry during the coldest weeks of the semester that it seemed like it could crack at any moment. I noticed how you would come in unexplainably sad and would refuse to talk. I noticed how you would shut down at any sign of disapproval. I just really wish I could explain to you how loved you are and how missed you are. I wish you knew that a 21 year old teacher who has a really great life thinks about how you're doing and prays for your well-being. I hope you know that you are fully known and fully loved. I miss your little braids and the gap in your teeth, and I especially miss the way you would come up to me one thousand times throughout the day to ask, "Is I been' good?" And every time I would answer with yes, Nick. and I couldn't help but smile and feel my heart break a little more each time. My last day with you I had my keys out on the table. I have a little cross keychain and you grabbed it, looked at your friend next to you and said, "she has God stuff." At that moment I wanted to hug you and sit you down and share the gospel with you. I wanted to say that your life here on Earth so far might be filled with sadness and hopelessness, but that there is more. I wanted to say that regardless of what the adults in your life tell you through actions or words, that you are deeply, deeply loved and cared for and thought of. You taught me more about grace and forgiveness than anyone I know, and you are only six. years. old. (!!!) Do you know how amazing that is?!Besides knowing that the God that created Taki's and plastic dinosaurs also created you and knows you and loves you, the ultimate thing I want you to know is that I fully believe you can change the world. You have the biggest heart and the most authentic laugh. Please share that with the world. Make the world a better place. Don't let the world take that away from you, one year at a time. I have prayed many nights that your light would not be extinguished by the things that happen to you in this world. I love love love love you!!!!

If any of you are reading this and aren't going in to the teaching profession, or any helping profession, you can still very much learn the same things I did and pray the same prayers I did. Whether it be your family members or your coworkers, this world is broken and it is all around us. I am lucky enough to hang out with kids before the brokenness truly sets in.

I'm sure I will have many more "Nick's" in my classes over the year. And that my heart will break, and also grow, a little bit more each time. But I don't think these kids have to be a product of their environments. I believe in a God that is bigger than that and will continue to pray for these sweet kids by name. My life will forever be changed because of this first grade class and my heart will always hold a spot for Nick.

There really isn't a point to this blog other than to write what I wish I could say to Nick. Because of him, I really got a glimpse into the world of teaching and why it is so emotionally draining. But in the end, there is nothing I would rather be doing and nothing that I am more fit to do. Tomorrow, please show strangers and coworkers and family members some kindness, just like my little friend Nick would do. Pay for someone's coffee, give someone a smile, genuinely ask how someone is doing. Just love people. And maybe we can contribute to making this world a place that deserves to have someone like Nick in it.